hitsville_usa! (hitsville_usa) wrote in squat_stories,

get the fuck out!!!

leaving as of tuesday night/wensday morning. midnight. hopefully that would be a good start. i just want to get out for a little while. heading up north. it should be interesting, a mystery, not knowing what the fuck to expect, but im ready for anything, my main goal is survival(staying alive) and free (not arrested or dead) but on a trip like this you never know. but my luck has been good, being 21 and squatting for 10 years, not much bad has happened, but thats in texas, san antonio, (a pretty meelow city). austin tx, a nice activistyuppietown(thats rich in ressources) houston a fukin ugly ass city that smells and is dirty as fuck,very grey place, dallas in a wharhouse where i found a bad ass vintage electric guitar. new york city was fun for the time being when there, squatted a second floor abaondoned apartment,sleeping on the roof staring of into the distant city skyline. theres also a squatted out 15 storie, double building apartment, where we checked out a fukin badd ass punk show and climbibg all the way to the roof top to sleep on my back p-ack, in the cold of the new york city night. but i need to do this now, everything was being put off for this, when this is over i think i will feel alot better, at ease with my mind. right now im in constant turmoil and emotional distress, with a girl i fukin love and do not want to lose, i dont know what to do in this situation. i hear one thing then another, i dont want to lose her but make everything right. We've been together for 3 years, i never said i loved her, due to not haveing any fondness for the word, i always thought i expressed it. lving my life in constant battle is hard, its pressure that can make people crack, ive cracked ,ive cracked many times, this is part of the crack in our relationship, she said i never loved her, i never made her feel loved, i never said i loved her, hopin she would see it in my actions, now these are the reasons that the split is so big.
she says she loves me and doesnt want to lose me, i ask her to get back with me, because im finally open up to her my love and felt so strongly to use it , and when i do, the time that i do, she dosent fukin want it. smashes it. that fukin hurts so much, thats why i hated the word love.

so this trip im afraid may be this big drastic time apart, during a very very rocky time. it might all crumble during the time im out, and nothing there, but more loss when i come back.
i dont want to lose her, but i have to go out on this trip.
i just wish i said i loved her to her, so she could have known that i did, because she never saw it in any of the actions i did. a 3 year relationship with someone giving that person everything of you

this is going to be so hard. i love that girl, and when i finally say it, she doesnt love me.
this trip i must take it, or lose the oppurtunity to.
i want her to come back, i see all my flaws, and know where to correct, i want to spend my life with this person, we should have never seperated in the first place.

but i did due to the pressures at hand, they where tearing me apart, and my partner as she hugged me, it thrashed at her, too. this seperation was for us to not be trashed anymore, so i can battle this fight within, so we could survive. it was all me, it was all in my head. i let this beauty go thinking she would be there for me after i had conquered this battle. But she didint want to wait.
im lost, i lost her, i hate myself for it. tonight ill talk to her, before i leave, shes been "space" for a few days already, but i need to see her one last time before i leave, for i never know what can happen, and i would like to say goodbye and say i love you before i may never come back. because she needs to know that i do.

i m hoping there would be an adventure, this will be an adventure.
a very hard and painful adventure, knowing that my love will not be there when i return,
i know when i come back im going to be looking for her, wanting her, wanting to hold her and feel her soft skin on my arm and cheek, her little lip hairs i loved to kiss.
all this i know ill lose, ive lost it already. this trip will be another massive gap between us, and the little thats left, the very very very little thats left, thats so fragile and can easily be broken
will this trip be that weight that brakes whats left of us?

squat sqaut sqaut move move move noone understands, they think they do.
we are all alone, even though we have friends, noone knows.
everything is left to ourselves in the long run, its never safe to be dependent on someone else
they drop, you drop. they could drop you anytime, and you lose a part of yourself, that part you gave them, you give themm all, you lose all. never be dependent on someone else.
you need yourself to survive.
but i do love my girl
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